


General Confusion

by doctormissy



Series: Prompt Fills and Challenge Entries [3]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: Crack, Established Relationship, Grocery Shopping, Humor, M/M, Mission Fic, Prompt Fill, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-11
Updated: 2016-07-11
Packaged: 2018-07-23 00:30:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7459593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doctormissy/pseuds/doctormissy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Q runs 0010's mission, when Bond calls him from the supermarket. He needs to run both the mission and Bond's shopping. Both agents get confused by Q's orders. Fluff, fun, crack. For 007 Fest Fanwork Exchange.</p>
            </blockquote>





	General Confusion

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the 007 Fest Exchange SFW Prompts - prompt 8: 00Q. Q conducts a shopping trip and a mission at the same time. That makes Bond and the other agent who is doing the mission confused and bemused. Q is oblivious to it.
> 
> I did my best. Absolute crack. Hope you'll enjoy :)

“Turn left and hide, there are five armed men walking toward you,” Q commanded calmly, observing the red dot on the screen representing 0010. He has just stopped, hidden behind a door. After few seconds, he moved again and eliminated all five of his target’s minions without any considerable damage of property as 007, and 006 as well for that matter, usually inclined to. 

Q opened his mouth and took a breath before he gave further orders, but he did not manage to do so, since he heard a beep advising him of another person on the line. As if he didn’t have enough work to do already.

 _“Q, I cannot orientate in this bloody large supermarket in the slightest bit. Where are the dairies? And that kind of yoghurt you said you wanted, was it Danio or that Müller’s Corner I saw in the fridge few days ago?”_ said James rather hopelessly, leading Q astray. Oh, he couldn’t be serious! 

“Um, report your position,” Q replied to James’ call after the first overtake. However, he did not address anyone, so both 007 and 0010 replied. Bond with a dry, _“At fruits and veg.”_ Jameson said, breathless from all the fighting and running, _“Proceeding forward and to the staircase. Shall I go upstairs, Q?”_

That was too much information to process. Q concentrated his mind on the screen, assessing the situation inside a five-floor tall building in the centre of Munich and trying to recall the layout of one Waitrose in Notting Hill. 

“Yes, go upstairs to the second floor and wait for more commands,” he answered 0010’s question and then added, “It’s not far, just few metres in front of you.” That was meant for James whose task was to do the shopping for a whole week. Q did it every time and it was his partner’s turn now. Q hoped he remembers the way to dairy section correctly and didn’t sent him to frozen food instead. But that wouldn’t be that much of a catastrophe. 

_“I can see it is few metres in front of me. There is no gunman in the hall, but it as well might be a trap,”_ stated 0010, unaware of Bond as a third side and the second note being directed to Bond, since it made sense to both men. He quickly strode to the stairs. 

“Oh, and I want both, since you ask. You didn’t put that on the shopping list?” Q coped with running the comms with quite the knack, but not for long, as he suspected. 

_“Why do I go upstairs? You are confusing me, Q. Are you quite alright? Even I know groceries are in the ground floor. But anyway, I can see it already, thank you, love. This is definitely more challenging than a field mission, I must say,”_ James said and Q could hear him laugh at the other side. He also heard a baby crying and a man in the radio familiarising the customers with sales on washing powders in the distance. There were three gunshots in Munich. _“And no, I forgot.”_ James pushed his trolley to the refrigerator with hundreds of types of fruit and plain yoghurt. Who can even make head or tail of that?

Q chuckled at James’ remark, agreeing with him. “And you can take a package or two of quark too, when you’re there. I love it in pancakes, you know.” His voice constantly switched between his usual Quartermaster-of-MI6 tone and a casual, more relaxed voice he put on when he was with James.

 _“I beg your pardon?”_ 0010 questioned Q about the both the last piece of information he heard from him and the one before, confused. Q said nothing, switching back to the computers in his mind, immersed into typing. He needed to download more information about the premises and its security measures. 

He sighed. Why couldn’t James just call him on the phone? He paused typing, lifted his glasses and rubbed his eyes. This was tiring. 

0010 continued walking the stairs warily. “Watch out, more men are approaching you. The study is approximately twenty metres in front of you,” Q warned 0010 pensively, his gaze flying from the keyboard to the monitor and back. 

_“Yes, I can hear them. I’ve got everything covered.”_ Jameson seemed to have forgotten Q’s odd notes as he focused on the running and shooting men. Q heard more gunshots. He was worried, but then 0010 reported, _“All down. I am at the study. Am I supposed to enter now?”_ 0010 was a good operative who always listened to his orders and fulfilled his mission on 100%, unlike Q’s partner. 

Speaking of Bond, _“There is no st—are you conducting a mission right now? That’s why your voice keeps changing. You should have told me, Q.”_ He realised what was going on. He grabbed a bottle of whole milk and two tubs of curd cheese. The next article on his list was Edam cheese. He knew Q couldn’t be satisfied with Gouda or Cheddar, so he growled and moved the very full and heavy trolley again.

“No, wait, I am just analysing the inside. And yes.” Q answered both questions at the same time again, not quite aware of the confusion he caused on both sides by doing so. Q launched a full scan of the room, presuming it certainly must be secured inside.

 _“I wasn’t asking any questions. What is going on, is M there?”_ 0010 still refused to understand to whom is Q talking, however clear it might have been. He wouldn’t talk like he did to M, that was nonsense. 0010 came to halt and when he saw the coast is clear, he reloaded his gun, which was empty but one bullet. He eased off. 

“I think I will go crazy very soon if both of you keep shouting questions at me. 0010, no, M’s not here. Which answered your question, 007. Did you take the chocolate digestives one?” 

Q resigned on trying to remain calm and concentrated by now and face-planted his desk abjectly, yet careful not to break his spectacles. This was too much to take in. 

_“What?”_ Bond replied, even more bemused. That of course didn’t stop him from uttering a sarcastic comment on the discovery 0010 is the one Q is leading, _“Oh, and don’t forget to dress 0010 down for me. You know, for what he did to me two weeks ago.”_ (He ate both of Bond's sandwiches from the common fridge without apologising, or saying anything for that matter.)

“Shut up, James,” he murmured and then straightened himself again. What he did was under the Quartermaster’s dignity and his minions were watching him. “Corner. The yoghurt, I mean. 0010, I highly advise you to walk in and take the disc at last, before more men come up. If they do, I am sure you know what to do. Then leave the premises with dispatch, get in your car and go to the airport. Report once you arrive there. I’m over.” 

Q cut off the connection between him and 0010 and said, jokingly, “I’m all yours, James.” It was not an open line, so he didn’t need to worry about someone listening. 

_“That’s excellent to hear, love. Now, where the bloody hell they have flour?”_ He practically could see James’ smirk; he didn’t even have to hack the cameras. 

Q took a deep breath, remembering where actually flour was, and answered, “Go to the back, there you should see a rack with baking goods. Flour is on the left, I think.” He said it as if he were guiding him through a complex infrastructure of a city and not a supermarket. He concluded he will do the shopping the next time and every time after that, for his own safety and sanity.

**Author's Note:**

> Um, I don't actually remember the layout of that particular store either, it takes me more than 5 visits at least to remember, I'm like Bond :) Just if you live near it by any chance.


End file.
